Sometimes I Want to Curl Up into a Ball and Eat Double A Batteries

Jonas

So winter storm Jonas has struck and, suffice it to say, the town pretty much closed yesterday. I did manage to go to a grocery store before it closed and get a few ingredients in order to make vegan dumpling soup. I don’t recall if I ever talked about this, but I used to be on YouTube under the title “The Bipolar Chef”. I left once I hit about 1,000 followers, because I had a bipolar episode and decided to delete the channel, and I can think of a no more fitting way for me to have ended that. Honestly, I regret deleting that channel. Emily used to watch it when I was out to laugh and make her feel like I was still home.

Now we have this blog and connected YouTube channel, where I might start being more active in. I love cooking, and I’m really damn good at it, but I think vlogging is more fitting for what I want to do. The cooking was really a distraction for viewers, and an excuse for me to talk about my life. Well, I do miss having my special recipes and sharing them, so I’m here to share one more recipe (and maybe there will be more to come if people like it).

 

~Tim

P.S. The title was random, one of our friends said it and it made me laugh.

 

Vegan Teriyaki Dumpling Miso Soup:

Dumpling Skins:

  • 1 1/2 Cups All Purpose Flour
  • 1/2 Cup *Hot* Water (boiling works best)
  • 1/4 Cup Cold Water
  • 1 Tbsp Olive Oil

Dumpling Stuffing:

  • 1/2 Head Cabbage (chopped very fine)
  • 4 Carrots (peeled and finely chopped)
  • Cooked teriyaki tofu (cut into small cubes)
  • Teriyaki sauce of choice (I prefer anything with ginger and sesame)

Soup:

  • 32 oz container of vegetable broth
  • 32 oz warm water
  • 2 oz Dry packet Miso Base (or liquid miso paste to taste (2-3 Tbls))

Extra bits:

  • small bowl water
  • floured surface

 

Directions:

  1. Put all soup ingredients into a large cooking pot and put onto medium heat. Mix until miso is blended, then allow to reach a light boil while you work on the dumplings.
  2. Put the flour in a large bowl and, using a wooden spoon or silicon spatula, mix in hot water until mixture is blended and flaky.
  3. Add remaining cold water and olive oil to mixture and continue stirring until it forms into a stretchy, slightly sticky ball.
  4. Set aside 3/4 cup of chopped cabbage to throw into soup.
  5. Mix all remaining stuffing ingredients in a bowl, stirring to make sure teriyaki is evenly coating all pieces
  6. Place the dumpling dough on a floured surface and rip off small, roughly tablespoon sized pieces, and knead in your floured hands until they are round and very flat.
  7. Put a hefty spoon full of stuffing into the center of the dumpling.
  8. Dip your fingers into the small bowl of water and dab water around edges of flattened dumpling dough.
  9. Fold the dough over the stuffing until all ended and pressed and stuck together. Fold into the center again if you want, of simply use a fork around the edges to give it that unique look.
  10. Once all dumplings are filled and folded and the soup is lightly boiling, put in 3/4 cup cabbage into soup, then, one at a time, drop the dumplings in.
  11. Cover and cook for 10-12 minutes.

The final result will look something like this:

dumplings

Advertisements

You are the most beautiful

Early this week Tim and I went to see The Danish Girl, a bio-pic about a married painter in the 1920’s who feels as though he is a woman inside. It’s a beautiful film that covers trans issues and showcases some beautiful art pieces along the way. Here’s an interesting fact about me: although I was born a girl and am quite girly, I am extremely drawn and interested in transgender videos, YouTube channels, and movies. The idea of someone finally being able to be comfortable in their body, and working towards that is satisfying and beautiful to me. Now, I’m going to make a comparison, and I want you to keep an open mind, but I’ve come up with a theory of why I connect with these people so well. Chronic Pain and Being a Transgender Woman/Man have a lot of similarities.

Both:

  • Seen as things that are fictional or “In our heads” to a lot of people and doctors.
  • Feel trapped inside the body
  • Feel limited by the body
  • Can become heavily depressed by their situation
  • Treatment options are wide and don’t fit everyone
  • But it’s usually a lot of pills daily
  • Most people deal with their situation from birth
  • Most people are made stronger and kinder by their situation
  • Are told that they need to just deal with what they have

No one should be told that they need to live in misery for the rest of their lives. I’m a strong supporter in both trans issues and chronic pain management. The character Lilly made me want to cry numerous times, because she was such a kind and beautiful girl that got told by numerous doctors that she was crazy, until she found the right one.

“Einer felt lonely, and he wondered if anybody in the world would ever know him.”

In other words, the paintings of ballerinas inspired me a ton, and I worked quite hard on this painting. If you haven’t caught on, every doodle/sketch/painting you see on this blog is done my yours truly! I really enjoy creating things..

 

Soft Hugs

 

XOXO Emily

“Who am I?” asked the mirror

 

Down The Rabbit Hole

My depression has been running deeper lately and I can’t seem to put a stopper on it. I feel like it’s because we live in Bloomsburg, surrounded by people who hate us, with Emily’s family.

Darren (Emily’s dad) is never supportive of Emily to the degree she deserves. He hates us being together, is never proud of her, and acts more like a semi-friend to her than anything.  Then there’s Jenn (Emily’s Evil step-mother). Jenn treats Darren, Aubrey (Emily’s Sister), (and especially) Emily and I like we’re shit. She’s an alcoholic, ignorant, and angry all of the time. Sometimes I think of Jenn and begin to clench my fists and grind my teeth. Emily has even told me she wants Darren to leave Jenn. If I were to express who the biggest problem in this whole thing is, I’d have to point to Jenn. Last time I talked to Darren, even he said, ‘Jenn is the type of person to hold a grudge for 30-years.’

Living in the same town as these people is enough to drive my depression deeper, but it doesn’t end there. Jenn and Darren have a lot of friends (mainly because Jenn has a huge white-trash family and Darren is a somewhat-musician) and all of their friends, when they see Emily and I, look at us with disgust of outright ignore us. One recent instance of this was when Kara (Darren’s 1st cousin he cheated on Sandra (Emily’s mom) with) saw me in a grocery store and gave me a look that made me feel like I killed her family, then curtly turned into a lane and hid there for a bit. I went and got Emily and told her this and she went with me to the lane. When Kara saw us together she said ‘Hi.’ with no emotion and walked off and out of our lives.

Emily takes this stuff better than me; I’m guessing because she’s been surrounded by these people her whole life and never felt like her father was close to her and truly never liked Jenn. Emily’s told me before that I came into the picture and seemed like her only chance at happiness. That felt sad for some reason, but now I get it.

~Tim

Winter Hasn’t Been Nice

  
So my previous Doctor finally prescribed me a months worth of oxy. This happened because my mother actually called and demanded to speak to a supervisor (like a boss), and worked some magic to get the nurse to call me. She informed me that she simply “figured” I would call back, and was very sorry. Apparently the perscription had been sitting in the office for a few days (which is a lie because the script had the date that I came to pick it up written on it). 

They filled the 10 mg for four times a day, but since I went through withdraw, my tolerance was down. So since then I’ve been taking half of a pill 4-5 times a day, depending on the day. This is purely due to me being on survival mode and not knowing when I will get a good doctor. Truth is I haven’t been doing good at all. Tim talked in his last post about me being unsure about my fibromyalgia diagnosis, and that is where I’m at. You can check out his post to go further into that topic. 

Lately I’ve been using this stuff called Perform by Biofreeze. It helps numb the painful areas a bit, and kind of distract you from the pain. Pluto (our Morkie puppy) goes crazy over the minty scent of it. I’ve also been trying to use Advil in between the oxy. Fun, fun, fun.. 

Speaking of pain medicine..the CDC recently had public comments open for the Proposed Guideline for Prescribing Opioids for Chronic Pain. I posted my comment and I wanted to share it here. It’s also on my tumblr if you want to reblog and make a change. 

I am a 19 year old girl who has suffered with chronic pain since the age of 10. Although my case is rare, I am not alone, and I am speaking for everyone young and suffering. Doctors hear me speaking about my pain and all they ever hear is the opioids. Over the counter medication is a joke, and the fibromyalgia based meds are not effective. I am bluntly told that I will be in pain for the rest of my life, but that I should learn to live with it. What you must understand is Taking opioids helps me get out of bed, perform on stage as a singer, see a movie with my boyfriend, and stop crying in the middle of the night from a flare up.The rules are so strict, that I’ve been treated like a drug seeker when I show up in the ER screaming in pain because my doctor didn’t want to be involved with narcotics anymore. Being denied a new doctors office simply because an opioid was in my medication list and they “Did not want to get involved in that”. I am not a drug addict, and neither are the sweet girls I’ve talked to and seen on social media. Many of these young people use canes and take back braces or stuffed animals to the movies to ease the pain, and we are doing these things along with taking prescribed opioids improve the quality of our lives. ♡

– Emily Inman

Soft hugs,

♡Emily♡

Over-Treated, Under-Diagnosed, and Completely Alone

maze

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything or even done anything with this blog. Recently Emily has been back and fourth with doctors and dealing with her pain. It’s recently come into question whether or not she has fibromyalgia or something else entirely. To be very honest, the question has been posed more by her and I than any doctors (because all of her doctors don’t want to figure this out or, seemingly, even want to deal with her). So, what brought this generic diagnosis into question?…

Well, fibromyalgia has a few core characteristics that seem to be universal:

  1. Tenderness at sources of pain (i.e. touching the areas of pain causes excruciating pain)
  2. Gastrointestinal issues such as I.B.S.
  3. Exercise helps in dealing with the pain
  4. Tingling and coldness in hands

Here are Emily’s symptoms:

  1. Touching the sources of pain RELIEVES the pain
  2. No changes or issues in gastrointestinal functions
  3. Exercise exasperates pains, causing extreme fatigue and increased pain during and after activity
  4. No tingling or coldness in hands (although sweaty hands happens on occasion)

Generally speaking, the most common problem people with fibromyalgia face is overall body pains, and that is the only thing we’ve recognized her having in common with this diagnosis. Her daily pain is acute and widespread. I worry about her day in and day out, but without highly involved medical attention she remains on the pill that seem to cause her more woes than anything else: Oxycodone.

Doctors have treated her like a junkie, yelled at her, belittled her, and even made her suicidal. One of the hardest parts of this for her has been finding support. There are times even I don’t like that she’s taking these pills. I’ve felt this way not due to what the pills are or what they can do, but because of how people view her when she takes them. Even her father remains unaware of what she takes, and by her own omission, knowing he would think less of her for it.

I am 27, she is 19, and we both came together in a world that hates ‘us’. Since our union we’ve found solace in being with each other and loving one another, while also facing demonizing remarks on a near weekly basis. We live in a small town that offers little more to us than her family (of whom only 1, her mother, openly supports us and understands what she is going through). Some days I want to die, and on others her willingness to live is gone; but on each of those days we find ourselves supporting each other to keep going. Without her… Without us… I hate to think about it.

 

~Tim

Be Kind, Always.

img_0004

Sorry It’s been a while since I posted, but things have been rather hectic lately. Christmas has passed, and now we are in the new year. I’ve been pretty honest with you all about my pain medicine, as It is a medicine that I take for the right reason. I have no reason to hide it, and I find it unfortunate that words like “oxy”, “Morphine”, or really anything other than Advil is a dirty word. When my doctor first started prescribing me my oxy, he informed me that he couldn’t do it long term, and if this was part of a longterm treatment plan, that I would have to find a different doctor. I understood, and he continued to fill my prescription for months. Right before Christmas, I called in to get a refill, and I was informed that I would have to find another doctor. My time with them was up, and suddenly, I was left with very little medicine and a lot of anxiety. I was calling doctor after doctor to try and find anyone that would take me in, and this was not an easy task. I’m still waiting for a doctor to come back from vacation so that I can see him.

This holiday season has been a big struggle for me. I’ve gone from taking four 10 mg a day, to two 5 mg tablets a day, and I’m barely functioning. At one point, crying in pain, My boyfriend took me to a new E.R. and the doctor I saw was so cruel to me, he was a line away from calling me a junkie. “You don’t come here for that, you are in charge of your meds. Find a new dealer within the next 48 hours. I don’t wanna see you here ever again, okay?” He yelled and then slammed the door before I could even get a word in. My boyfriend helped me out of the hospital sobbing my eyes out, still in pain, both body and mind.

This kind of treatment for people with chronic pain makes me sick. It’s inhumane to talk to someone like that or to judge someone based on their illness. We are not drug seekers, we aren’t junkies, we don’t enjoy this.

Right now I’m in the middle of just trying to hold on, stay calm, and find people that understand. Good hearted people, who want to come up with a longterm plan for me. In the mean time I’ll turn my heating pad on, take an anxitey pill, two Advil, and sip on some Jasmine green tea.

Stay strong, and don’t ever let anyone take away your sparkle.

XOXO

Emily

Staying Positive with Chronic Pain

When my close friends or family asks how I’m doing (If they know about my illness) I’ll usually reply honestly. “Nothing’s really changed much, dealing with a lot, but staying positive.” When I was younger and even now, my mother, who has her own hurricane of problems, would reply a lot differently. She would lower her voice and with a sigh explain in detail all the bad things happening with her illness. It would automatically bring down the mood in the room, as the opposite person would nod with fake empathy and occasionally go “Aw, what a shame” or “God love you, you poor thing”. Usually when a distant friend or relative asks me how I am, I just lie and say “Good!” to avoid doing what my mother does. But now I realize there is nothing wrong with briefly being honest with closer friends, but still staying on a light note. I usually don’t ever go in to detail unless someone specifically asks, and looking at all my conversations, I tend to do this with most topics.

Staying positive doesn’t mean pretending that you are fine when you are in pain all the time, it’s learning to accept that you are. It’s learning to laugh in a horribly decorated doctors office, or noticing the pretty colors of your meds. (Mine are pink, blue and white 🙂 It’s knowing your limit, laying down and knowing that’s okay. Watching your favorite movie during a flare up. Looking at pintrest in your favorite sections when you can’t sleep. Taking about the struggles you are having, and then letting go.

And yes; being positive also means that when my mother sends me seven long texts about everything bad that is happening, I simply say “I’m sorry you are going through a tough time” and I send her a uplifting picture like this one:

5411cd365f8bc7a639e8b9570b852794-1

Trying to hold it together; Keep my love as light as a feather

IMG_2585

So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time alone in our apartment. My puppies and I chill out in the bedroom while I watch a copious amount of youtube and drink way too much jasmine green tea. It’s been making me think about when I used to live with my mom and do this same thing, but with her in the other room. I used to spend most of my time doing this, and then I would ride my bike, walk or run outside a lot. Sometimes I would hang out with my sister as well.

Tim recently got a job, and he has to go an hour away for a short amount of time to train for it. So that means he leaves at 7/8 am, and comes back at 7pm. Since I’m a Fibromalgic person, I generally don’t sleep until 1 or 2 am, and I don’t wake up until 9 or 10 am. Tim goes to sleep around 10/11 pm. This means in an average day, I see him for 3 hours. I guess I’m not used to it because for a while there he wasn’t working and he was around a lot..but it’s all been very difficult. I want him to work, no doubt about that, and I’m so proud that he is working. I just kind of feel like a fish that’s been put into a new environment, with cold water very suddenly. It doesn’t help that I’ve been in a lot of pain, and that makes it hard for me to do much of anything. Plus, the meds I take make me drowsy, so most of the time I’m stuck on the computer or my phone.

I guess I’ve been put in a frustrating position, and that is a waiting one.  I would be doing so much better if his hours were even 8, but this whole 10 hour thing is too much. I find myself dealing with Flare ups completely alone, and knowing that makes it even worse. I will just miss him and want him to hold me. I must keep reminding myself that this is temporary, but it’s just hard to deal with it right now. For now I will will take my meds, sip my tea, and watch something lighthearted.