Pretty much me looking at my bank account.
Growing up, I always assumed there were greater dangers I’d face, like quicksand or aliens. Now that I’m ‘Adulting’, I’m basically fighting with myself to make ends meet. The irony of it all is that I dug this hole I’m in, simply by having manic spending episodes. I’d buy, buy, buy, then I’d look at my account and see all my money had gone bye, bye, bye (N’SYNC: Don’t sue me… wait… they’re not a band anymore). I don’t mean to complain, I actually am in a good place, and that’s pretty much why I’m posting this!
After years of debt, I’m happy to say: I’m still in debt…. but less of a debt…. like, I’m able to get Emily the help she needs while treating her to the things she deserves. Everything I do, all the money I save (loosely used word here) and spend is to make her more comfortable. The fact of it all is, I’m preparing surprise Christmas things for her (gifts), because her aesthetic is 100% Christmas (very pastel and happy). Even though we have our darkness, she never likes to put hers too far out there. But her darkness isn’t like mine.
All the bad in me is front and center due to me being bipolar. All of hers is pretty much tucked away, hurting her. Prime example is the whole thing with her Wicked-Witch (Bitch) Step-mom, who hates me and wants to see Emily hurt by me so that everyone will agree with her that I’m evil and manipulative… yeah. Emily, in her own words, said she, “Feel(s) sorry for her” and doesn’t hate her. I, of course, have a polar opposite view, and am vehemently happy to hear that her step-mom is crying in her car a lot and very unhappy now-a-days.
Where was I going with this? Oh, wait, yeah, the darkness thing.
I’ve recently been able to afford to get Emily things she wants and needs. I’m even working more often to find the right doctors for Emily, seeing as her current group is threatening to lower her dose of Oxy! Her primary care doctor said that there’s a law now where her dose would have to go down by 25%, in order for her to even keep getting the only medicine that helps her. There is a law out, though, saying that they are to limit the daily dose to an equivalent of 100mg of Morphine. We’ve been fighting to get her off of the Oxy and onto something long acting, but her doctor repeatedly, politely refused, and pretty much made her feel bad about asking. One doctor even said, in something of a dark-joking manner, that she prescribed her something that didn’t work to make her more grateful for the limited dose she gets now!
Now, let me clarify: Her step-mom is not her doctor… though, cumulatively, her treatment team shares certain traits with the aforementioned evil. Keeping this short, and failing, the update here is that we’re working on getting Emily better help, I’m able to afford better things for her, and I am more hopeful for her than I have been in a long time.
There remain great trials to be handled, but I feel hope for her, for us.