Adulting

Pretty much me looking at my bank account.

Growing up, I always assumed there were greater dangers I’d face, like quicksand or aliens. Now that I’m ‘Adulting’, I’m basically fighting with myself to make ends meet. The irony of it all is that I dug this hole I’m in, simply by having manic spending episodes. I’d buy, buy, buy, then I’d look at my account and see all my money had gone bye, bye, bye (N’SYNC: Don’t sue me… wait… they’re not a band anymore).  I don’t mean to complain, I actually am in a good place, and that’s pretty much why I’m posting this!

After years of debt, I’m happy to say: I’m still in debt…. but less of a debt…. like, I’m able to get Emily the help she needs while treating her to the things she deserves. Everything I do, all the money I save (loosely used word here) and spend is to make her more comfortable. The fact of it all is, I’m preparing surprise Christmas things for her (gifts), because her aesthetic is 100% Christmas (very pastel and happy). Even though we have our darkness, she never likes to put hers too far out there. But her darkness isn’t like mine.

All the bad in me is front and center due to me being bipolar. All of hers is pretty much tucked away, hurting her. Prime example is the whole thing with her Wicked-Witch (Bitch) Step-mom, who hates me and wants to see Emily hurt by me so that everyone will agree with her that I’m evil and manipulative… yeah. Emily, in her own words, said she, “Feel(s) sorry for her” and doesn’t hate her. I, of course, have a polar opposite view, and am vehemently happy to hear that her step-mom is crying in her car a lot and very unhappy now-a-days.

Where was I going with this? Oh, wait, yeah, the darkness thing.

I’ve recently been able to afford to get Emily things she wants and needs. I’m even working more often to find the right doctors for Emily, seeing as her current group is threatening to lower her dose of Oxy! Her primary care doctor said that there’s a law now where her dose would have to go down by 25%, in order for her to even keep getting the only medicine that helps her. There is a law out, though, saying that they are to limit the daily dose to an equivalent of 100mg of Morphine. We’ve been fighting to get her off of the Oxy and onto something long acting, but her doctor repeatedly, politely refused, and pretty much made her feel bad about asking. One doctor even said, in something of a dark-joking manner, that she prescribed her something that didn’t work to make her more grateful for the limited dose she gets now!

Now, let me clarify: Her step-mom is not her doctor… though, cumulatively, her treatment team shares certain traits with the aforementioned evil. Keeping this short, and failing, the update here is that we’re working on getting Emily better help, I’m able to afford better things for her, and I am more hopeful for her than I have been in a long time.

There remain great trials to be handled, but I feel hope for her, for us.

~Tim

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Breathe – A Chronic illness Pep Talk

Hey guys, I uploaded a new video a few days ago! This kind of video style is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and I would really appreciate your feedback 🙂 The past few days have been rough, but I’m working on staying positive.

Soft hugs

XOXO

Emily

Painting to keep busy.

Hi guys! I’m sorry there’s been a big space between the last post and this one, but I think it’s time I come back and chat. I’ve been doing a lot of painting lately. My paint collection has grown from a crayola watercolor pallet, to countless tubes of paint, brushes, and canvases all around the apartment! (Thanks to Tim!)

I’ve always been uncontrollably creative, and that comes out of any outlet it can. Singing has always been my passion, but since that has been difficult for me to do with my fatigue, I took up painting. I like using watercolors, but mainly acrylics.

I’ve put a few of my paintings up for sale on this new site I found, and I’m thinking about selling prints of work that I do on paper at some point. I haven’t sold anything yet, but I cross my fingers!

{ Click here to view my buyable artwork }

Puppy Love

Sorry for the long pause, for anyone that’s been following our blog. I haven’t been doing the best with my chronic pain, and I wasn’t in the writing mood for a little while. As a musician, sometimes I discipline myself and think that if I’m not writing songs, I shouldn’t be writing at all..and this is silly in retrospect. Hopefully I’ll continue to write here, and maybe post a new video on youtube.

I’m not sure if you guys know this about me, but I am Vegan. I care passionately about animals, so I do not consume animal products. That’s going to be a whole other post, but for now I want to talk about my puppies!

The Morkie on the left is Pluto, and the Maltese on the right is Tinkerbell

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I guess you can say that I’m kind of an unconventional “Dog Owner”..I don’t crate my dogs, they mainly go to the bathroom inside on dog pads, we get the best quality dog food we can afford, and they sleep on the bed with us. When it’s cold outside I put sweaters on my dogs because they are small and get cold easily. I give them what some consider “People Food” almost every time I prepare food, or snack. All of the things I mentioned,  at some point get negative comments about.

That is ironic to me, because I do all those things because I treat my pets like equals. I don’t feel like I am on top of the food chain, or that I have some sort of special right to eating fresh bananas, or carrots, or even a pasta noodle here and there. My dogs deal with  separation anxiety, and because I know what that feels like, I don’t like the idea of locking them in a tiny cage for hours. Instead, there is a special spot underneath the couch with blankets and pillows for when the dogs feel the need to burrow. Have I lost a couple lipsticks or letters because of their freedom? Of course, but those things aren’t as important as my dogs.

I grew up watching a neighbor a few houses down leave their dog outside for hours and hours, just to bark and be unhappy. Just because you can’t understand what they are saying, doesn’t mean that you should treat them as something below you. When my puppies  are curled up by my side during a bad pain spell, I know the comfort and happiness is mutual; and I think that is really important.

 

Soft Hugs,

XOXO

Emily

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Who am I?” asked the mirror

 

Down The Rabbit Hole

My depression has been running deeper lately and I can’t seem to put a stopper on it. I feel like it’s because we live in Bloomsburg, surrounded by people who hate us, with Emily’s family.

Darren (Emily’s dad) is never supportive of Emily to the degree she deserves. He hates us being together, is never proud of her, and acts more like a semi-friend to her than anything.  Then there’s Jenn (Emily’s Evil step-mother). Jenn treats Darren, Aubrey (Emily’s Sister), (and especially) Emily and I like we’re shit. She’s an alcoholic, ignorant, and angry all of the time. Sometimes I think of Jenn and begin to clench my fists and grind my teeth. Emily has even told me she wants Darren to leave Jenn. If I were to express who the biggest problem in this whole thing is, I’d have to point to Jenn. Last time I talked to Darren, even he said, ‘Jenn is the type of person to hold a grudge for 30-years.’

Living in the same town as these people is enough to drive my depression deeper, but it doesn’t end there. Jenn and Darren have a lot of friends (mainly because Jenn has a huge white-trash family and Darren is a somewhat-musician) and all of their friends, when they see Emily and I, look at us with disgust of outright ignore us. One recent instance of this was when Kara (Darren’s 1st cousin he cheated on Sandra (Emily’s mom) with) saw me in a grocery store and gave me a look that made me feel like I killed her family, then curtly turned into a lane and hid there for a bit. I went and got Emily and told her this and she went with me to the lane. When Kara saw us together she said ‘Hi.’ with no emotion and walked off and out of our lives.

Emily takes this stuff better than me; I’m guessing because she’s been surrounded by these people her whole life and never felt like her father was close to her and truly never liked Jenn. Emily’s told me before that I came into the picture and seemed like her only chance at happiness. That felt sad for some reason, but now I get it.

~Tim

Be Kind, Always.

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Sorry It’s been a while since I posted, but things have been rather hectic lately. Christmas has passed, and now we are in the new year. I’ve been pretty honest with you all about my pain medicine, as It is a medicine that I take for the right reason. I have no reason to hide it, and I find it unfortunate that words like “oxy”, “Morphine”, or really anything other than Advil is a dirty word. When my doctor first started prescribing me my oxy, he informed me that he couldn’t do it long term, and if this was part of a longterm treatment plan, that I would have to find a different doctor. I understood, and he continued to fill my prescription for months. Right before Christmas, I called in to get a refill, and I was informed that I would have to find another doctor. My time with them was up, and suddenly, I was left with very little medicine and a lot of anxiety. I was calling doctor after doctor to try and find anyone that would take me in, and this was not an easy task. I’m still waiting for a doctor to come back from vacation so that I can see him.

This holiday season has been a big struggle for me. I’ve gone from taking four 10 mg a day, to two 5 mg tablets a day, and I’m barely functioning. At one point, crying in pain, My boyfriend took me to a new E.R. and the doctor I saw was so cruel to me, he was a line away from calling me a junkie. “You don’t come here for that, you are in charge of your meds. Find a new dealer within the next 48 hours. I don’t wanna see you here ever again, okay?” He yelled and then slammed the door before I could even get a word in. My boyfriend helped me out of the hospital sobbing my eyes out, still in pain, both body and mind.

This kind of treatment for people with chronic pain makes me sick. It’s inhumane to talk to someone like that or to judge someone based on their illness. We are not drug seekers, we aren’t junkies, we don’t enjoy this.

Right now I’m in the middle of just trying to hold on, stay calm, and find people that understand. Good hearted people, who want to come up with a longterm plan for me. In the mean time I’ll turn my heating pad on, take an anxitey pill, two Advil, and sip on some Jasmine green tea.

Stay strong, and don’t ever let anyone take away your sparkle.

XOXO

Emily