Breathe – A Chronic illness Pep Talk

Hey guys, I uploaded a new video a few days ago! This kind of video style is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and I would really appreciate your feedback 🙂 The past few days have been rough, but I’m working on staying positive.

Soft hugs

XOXO

Emily

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Trying to hold it together; Keep my love as light as a feather

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So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time alone in our apartment. My puppies and I chill out in the bedroom while I watch a copious amount of youtube and drink way too much jasmine green tea. It’s been making me think about when I used to live with my mom and do this same thing, but with her in the other room. I used to spend most of my time doing this, and then I would ride my bike, walk or run outside a lot. Sometimes I would hang out with my sister as well.

Tim recently got a job, and he has to go an hour away for a short amount of time to train for it. So that means he leaves at 7/8 am, and comes back at 7pm. Since I’m a Fibromalgic person, I generally don’t sleep until 1 or 2 am, and I don’t wake up until 9 or 10 am. Tim goes to sleep around 10/11 pm. This means in an average day, I see him for 3 hours. I guess I’m not used to it because for a while there he wasn’t working and he was around a lot..but it’s all been very difficult. I want him to work, no doubt about that, and I’m so proud that he is working. I just kind of feel like a fish that’s been put into a new environment, with cold water very suddenly. It doesn’t help that I’ve been in a lot of pain, and that makes it hard for me to do much of anything. Plus, the meds I take make me drowsy, so most of the time I’m stuck on the computer or my phone.

I guess I’ve been put in a frustrating position, and that is a waiting one.  I would be doing so much better if his hours were even 8, but this whole 10 hour thing is too much. I find myself dealing with Flare ups completely alone, and knowing that makes it even worse. I will just miss him and want him to hold me. I must keep reminding myself that this is temporary, but it’s just hard to deal with it right now. For now I will will take my meds, sip my tea, and watch something lighthearted.

Crying Times

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Lately I haven’t been wearing makeup very often, and the reason for that is odd. I’ve actually been crying so much because of Pain or Panic attacks, or random disassociation, that I find a winged liner just doesn’t want to stay on throughout the day. This illness can be extremely isolating. It can make other’s frustrated because they can’t help you, or they can’t understand what you have. Even though Tim doesn’t understand exactly what it’s like to me be, he’s the only person that sees me at my best and my worst these days. He sees me smile at people and politely tell them I have to go home early for whatever reason, and then crawl into bed sobbing because I pushed myself too hard. He sees me count the hours on my hands carefully, figuring out when I can safely take my next pain pill. (1 every 4-6 hours, is emphasized by your doctor, not to break this rule). Being with someone who understands living in misery, whether that be in your head or your body, is helpful. If I’m crying at 2 am because of neck pain and I tap Tim sleeping next to me, he will open his arms, eyes closed. Even in his sleep he will offer to hold me, and that is a comfort I wish for everyone. I’ve been having strange panic attacks, one of them was so bad that I was crying hysterically. I felt like a 5 year old. Somehow, Tim calmed me down. I’ve also been having a lot of tummy pains lately. My doctor had to call in a nausea medicine (Oh Joy, another med to add to the slurry..) that I take whenever it gets too painful, or when I throw up. It may be from the long list of meds I’m taking, or maybe its another Fibro thing, or maybe stress. If anyone has some insight, let me know. Sorry for the sloppy sad, uncolored drawing above. I drew it in the dark last night when I wasn’t feeling too well. I still thought it fit this post though. A new video should be up in the next day or two. It’ll be my first video talking about my Chronic Pain. I talked all about my first (And last..) appointment with pain management. Long story, I explain it all in the video. For now, I’m trying to stay positive when I can. I’m trying to keep up with my meds, eat regularly, draw, color, make things, watch content that makes me smile, and breathe deeply; Just breathe.

 

Soft Hugs,

♡Emily♡

Taking you through a loved one’s depressive episode

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Tim has Bipolar Disorder, which leads him to go into bouts of depression. Even though he is medicated, there are still manic and depressive episodes that happen. Today was Halloween. I dressed up as a Unicorn and he dressed up as a cool dark Skeleton/death/ unique all black costume. We trick or treated a bit before my Fibro kicked in and told me to go back home. It wasn’t a big deal, we still had fun, and spend the rest of the night relaxing and watching one of Tim’s Favorite shows. Mug brownies, candy, chips, Vegan Mac and Cheese; I enjoyed myself! In my eyes, it was a very good day.

However when we went to lay down, something was off about my Puffin. He seemed a little distant and standoffish. I would start talking about positive dreams I had for our future home, and he kept shutting them down, not even jokingly. I would ask him to come up with other fun ideas and he just wasn’t up for joining in. I figured maybe he wasn’t in the mood for chatting right away so I checked my phone for a bit, and then scrolled over to vine for a bit. Usually vine breaks the ice and can loosen Tim up a bit. I heard him laughing at some of the clips, so soon I lightly pounced wanting to cuddle with my Puffin. He was still acting odd, and I was starting to think i had done something wrong. He wasn’t smiling and when i asked him what was wrong me moodily shrugged. This is where I started biting my lip with anxiety. I had to have done something wrong right?

We just were lying there for what felt like forever, looking at each other occasionally. I asked him if there was something I could do, and he seemed slightly annoyed at this concept. “What do you mean?” he would say, “I..um..well I wanted to just talk to you about ya know, light stuff. ” I responded. He shot me a look as if I should have already known what he was about to say, “I have nothing to say.” The monotone in his voice worried me, because didn’t know where he was mentally right then. Again, lay still for a while, he closed his eyes, while mine where wide open searching for something to say. Finally, with teary eyes I kissed his lips and my love opened his eyes “I’m sorry you are sad, and I’m sorry If I did anything to cause i-” before I could even finish, Tim stopped me, “No, No, Honey, you did nothing wrong..” He grabbed my shaking jaw lightly in his hands ,”..Don’t ever think that, you are perfect my darling. I love you so much.” I burst out in the tears I had been holding and tried to mumble things through tears like “..B-but I wish I could help you..I wish there was something I can do.” He shushed and hushed me like a caring lover should and quickly calmed me. “Sweety, I just get like this somethings you know? There’s nothing you did, don’t ever think that.” I nodded and kissed him multiple times. I asked him if he needed sleep (Which he said yes) and I said I would hang out on my phone with him until he feel asleep  I love my Puffin with all of my heart, and I make it my mission to be as helpful as possible with his own issues. Sometimes Tim feels sad and he has no idea why. That’s okay, it’s going to happen. As time go on I will learn how to deal with it even better, but soon will make a full list of tips when your Lover is Bipolar..If anyone’s interested 😉

Soft Hugs!

XOXO

♡Emily♡

A Midnight Secret ☾

 

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☽ A Midnight Secret☽

By Emily R. Inman  

                                                  

I am awake

I can easily break

when I’m awake alone.

I stir and I sigh, not a gleam in my eye,

I can’t smile, or laugh this time

An hour passes by, I silently cry, take another half pill, and I wait

My lover is asleep, and even when I squeak, he sleeps heavily and does not feel the weight

I sneak out of the room, puppy paws follow, and I sit on the couch and write.

Hoping that getting it off my chest will help me sleep tonight.

But I’ll tell you a secret that my body knows, the reason brain and bones do not want to slow..

When I wake up from a beautiful dream, the nightmare of pain envelopes me.

XOXO

♡Emily♡